curently ripping my hair out and wishing i wery suffocating in a cloud of fucking smoke. My realashonship is poisoning my control. I cant say what i feel cause i hurt her. she cant tell me cause she is afreid. so i find out from the friends i hold dear when they cleary dont want to be part of it. that she is upset. That is not how i like to lern about this kinda stuff, from someone other thatn her, it pisses me off. I go out of my way to include her. and still do what i want to do. but, IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! I cant obviusly make her happy, I am so close to just breaking down and leaving this place for fuckin good. It used to be home. Now all it is is a portrait of failiur, constantly consuming me. I have 1 month to leave, one month to tie up lose ends, one month to make sure the ppl i care about know i are about them, but one month is only enough time to fall on your face. She says all she wants is time with me, i give her time all the time. but its not good enough, 2 weeks ago, it was just spending time with me. now its spending alone time with me. I just cant keep up anymore. I have no time to breath cause i am constantly explaing myself to everyone, cause i am the bad guy. well just remeber that when your sleeping and i am giving my life and time to keep your asses safe in bed, I made choices and you all said you were happy with them, but now its ime for them to collect on my word and you all fall to peices. the whole world just needs to leave me the fuck alone....

A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.

Gonna wait it out.